Parent to parent advice

The year my son turned 18 was unexpectedly emotional for many reasons.

It signified the transition to adulthood, becoming independent and starting to step out into the world on his own. I felt excited about the adventures that would lie ahead and proud of the young man he had become, but also couldn’t quite believe how quickly the years had gone by.

As well as the milestone birthday, my son passed his driving test and suddenly my role as ‘Mum taxi’ was no longer required. I’d surprisingly enjoyed the time together teaching him to drive and missed our chats side-by-side whilst following test routes and practising manoeuvres.

He started to go into town at night, which added another level of worry, and I found myself not really relaxing until I heard his key in the door, knowing he was home safe.

The other big change on the horizon was deciding what to do after college. I was conscious that it had to be his choice, so I needed to find the right balance of being supportive but not taking over. Using the knowledge I had gained from working at the University of Derby, I offered to help with his research on how to find the right course, university, and city.

So, as with most things these days, we started by searching the internet. We specifically looked at the UCAS website and a few comparison sites like the Complete University Guide, Whatuni and Uni Compare to see where offered the subject he was interested in. We drew up a shortlist of universities he liked the sound of, then looked at their websites to find out when they were holding Open Days so we could go and visit. I soon realised that this was going to take up quite a bit of time at the weekends, and some travel costs would be incurred. It might have been a good idea to save some money towards this before he was in Year 13!

Like the driving lessons, the days out visiting different university campuses and cities were really good fun. I enjoyed the time we spent together chatting about what he was looking for in his choice of university: great facilities and a cool city. I think he secretly liked me asking the tutors questions that he was too embarrassed to ask, but I knew he wanted to know the answers too. He also liked that we got to explore new cities and eat in some new restaurants whilst checking out the nearby student accommodation!

I realised that if he was going to live away from home, he was going to need to learn some life skills. I seized the opportunity to get him to cook a meal from scratch, do a weekly food shop, use the washing machine, and gave him a weekly allowance so that he learnt to manage a budget.

One of the highlights of this time was when he asked me to read his personal statement before he submitted his UCAS application. It was a real insight into what he enjoyed about his chosen subject area, what he was most proud of achieving in his life so far and his hopes and ambitions for the future. It brought a tear to my eye as I’d never heard him talk about any of this before.

There is so much to think about when your child is planning to go to university. It really helped talking to friends who were going through the same experience. I also joined a Facebook group called ‘What I Wish I Knew About University’ or ‘WIWIKAU’ which has been great for finding out about other parents’ experiences and answers to questions I hadn’t even thought about asking.

It's been great to spend time supporting my son with his decision on what his next steps will be and, as with most aspects of parenthood, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions – apprehensive and anxious of course, but ultimately proud and excited to see where he goes and what he achieves with his life.

Summary of Jo's advice:

• Take time to do research: there’s a wealth of information online, and there's so much more to the choice of university than the course
• Once they have narrowed their choices down to a shortlist, plan to visit Open Days and explore the city while you’re there
• Try not to take over. It’s their choice, so let them do the leg work, but be there as support, guidance and to nudge them along the journey
• And my advice to students? Keep the conversation with your parents open. Ask what we were looking for in a university, what we know about cities you’re interested in and how we got started with our own careers. We were young once, and some of us have been on this journey ourselves so use us as a source of information.